The Penis Chronicles presents, “Fall suddenly or heavily asleep.” The google definition of zonk as a verb is “1. Hit or strike 2. Fall or cause to fall suddenly and heavily asleep or lose consciousness” (February 7, 2017). My older boy has an amazing ability to zonk out; it has never been a trait I… Continue reading Fall suddenly or heavily asleep
I watch. He is curled up on his side on the breakfast bench. Occasionally he shifts uttering a dramatic “ouch.” Eyes closed with breakfast and juice untouched on the table. He is dressed for school. I consider, should he go? He doesn’t want to. Time to ask where he feels unwell. I brace with thoughts… Continue reading Fail
Millions of tiny hairs scream in agony as razor sharp scissors sever them forever from their roots. The sound of their voices is ripped from my son’s vocal cords; the only child in history that verbalizes the pain felt by strands of hair. It is a horrific pain that he makes evident through his red… Continue reading Hair Pain
I hear bickering. I hear: 7 year old: “Oh yeah, you’re a vagina king!” 4 year old: “Smell my butt!” Now, had these boys been about 10 years older I am sure I would have died from shock. However, my alarmed brain realized that they were selecting random word combinations for maximum impact. So, “vagina… Continue reading Your Guess is as Good as Mine
“That’s great that you put your shirt on, but your ass will be cold on the way to school if you don’t put on your underwear and pants” (Letter T 2017 A-Z). He comes flying into the room wearing only his pajama shirt and carrying the days clothing. A devilish smirk is plastered on his… Continue reading Mental Eye Roll
Several days before my younger son told his own dragon story, which he told as mostly description, I had told the boys a story about a pink dragon: Dragon Yawn. I know he enjoyed Dragon Yawn because his good morning story was about a dragon. He climbed onto my side of the bed and wiggled… Continue reading Um, Pardon?
The Penis Chronicles presents, “By Way of Explanation.“ The four year old yells, “mom call the man, call the man!” My husband looks askance. The four year old leaves off his “call the man” chant to press his face against the window and yell, “There’s Steve, there’s Steve.” The seven year old leaps from the… Continue reading By Way of Explanation
My bedroom is shrouded in twilight. The sounds of tiny feet shuffling on the carpet breaches the silence. I pretend to get a few more minutes of sleep. The bed rustles and tiny bodies slide against my sides still warm from their own sleeps. I sigh inwardly wondering when their internal alarms will stop sounding… Continue reading Twilight Walkers
“Mommy I can’t sleep tonight. I’m going to have a bad dream.” The little voice cried from beneath the depths of blankets and stuffed animals. This was quickly becoming a regular occurrence that needed to be curbed. Hmm, I thought to myself as I looked down at the tiny form that was now reaching up… Continue reading Dream a Little Dream
Who needs _________________________ when you have kids and/or dogs? Who needs an alarm clock when you can wake up to the sound of the dog throwing up?! Who needs an air freshener when you have the natural scent of “oh-de-toilet” thanks to your children who like to leave their poop fermenting in the toilet? “Who… Continue reading A Who Needs Post
Brewing Coffee, Twisting Words & Breaking Pencils 