The Penis Chronicles presents “My Secret Life as a…”

I came into parenting expecting my role would be to be a mother, plain and simple. However, being a mother is not plain or simple and it isn’t a fixed role. I think one of the most amusing roles that I have had to assume is a plumber. Hence the title My secret life as a plumber.

I imagine that most children go through some form of a toilet fascination stage or maybe just a toilet paper stage. Let me set the scene here though.

My youngest is just at the crawling stage, close to two years old, and my oldest is four. I am home alone and it is evening. It is also garbage night. I need to get the garbage out and prefer to do it before it gets dark. So, I open the door and go into the garage. The boys had been watching television. I run out the garage door and set the garbage can at the end of the driveway. I hear the screaming as I am returning to the house and my fast walk goes to a full out run.

Now the layout when you enter the house through the garage door is a short hallway and it turns to the left and there is a powder room there and you can enter into the living room. So, I come flying around the corner and slide through a pool of water! The water is rushing out from under the powder room door and the door is of course locked. The youngest boy is crawling in the water and smiling so big I can’t see the rest of his face. First, yuck because I am not certain at this point, but there is a good chance the water covering my floor is toilet water which then begs to question what is or was in that water. Second, panic waves of panic. What is going on in that bathroom with the four year old?

He won’t open the door and I can hear him crying.

Water is still coming out, I can hear it flowing.

The youngest boy has been removed from the fast flooding area and now I am working to get into the bathroom. I would rather the four year old opens the door but due to other parenting experiences I know how to get the knob off and the door open so I am starting that process while talking through the door. Finally, he opens it. He is totally fine but horrified by the toilet that won’t stop spewing water. The plunger never worked so hard as it did that day.

It was a case of too much toilet paper. An issue that repeated so many times that I had to start rationing toilet paper. Thankfully there was no other flooding scenario, just close to the rim episodes. My other son doesn’t suffer from the too much toilet paper fever (he unfortunately needs to be asked if he used any toilet paper) and the older boys has it under control, so I haven’t had to use my mad plumber skills in a long while but the plunger is never too far away.

What are your secret life childcare stories and/or child toilet episodes?

By Shari Marshall – 2019