The Penis Chronicles presents “Establishing Eating Dominance in a Pride”

A pride of lions is a social unit, a family unit. It consists of males, females, and cubs. They exist and function on a hierarchy and this hierarchy establishes their eating patterns.

Eating in my house, at least for me, is like survival of the fittest. I am surprised I don’t growl, snarl, and snap over my plate some days. The problem is clearly that I need to establish a proper pecking order when it comes to the food trough. For example, hunting for lions is like prepping a meal in my house in that it is a shared process. However, with lions there is a pecking order for who eats first and that translates into who eats what. Adults eat first (males then females); once the adults have eaten the cubs feed. It is common, when food is scarce, that the young will often starve as a result of being last in the pecking order for food. In my house it is going to be me that starves…

ME: What do you want for lunch boys? I’m having a tuna sandwich.
SON 1: GROSSE!
SON 2: Yuck (accompanied by other noises with gagging and pretending to vomit).
ME: Okay, so what would you like?

We establish what they would like to eat. I prepare it and set in on the table. I sit down with my tuna sandwich. Please note that this is essentially every meal in my house, I am just using lunch as an example.

SON 2: Can I have that? (His untouched lunch on the table in front of him.)
ME: What?
SON 2: Without words he just gestures towards my plate.
ME: Just one bite! (I want to encourage him when he wants to try something other than cheese or Kraft dinner.)
SON 2: He says nothing but takes a sizable bite.
SON 1: Me too? Another man-sized bite and I am left with less a ¼ of this half of my sandwich. As I raise it to my lips…
SON 2: Can I have more? And he has eaten it out of my hand before I can blink.

My hackles are going up; I mean I am hungry. By the time lunch is over I am starved and that is not how it is supposed to go! Clearly I need to start biting fingers and showing teeth at the dinner table and then when I have successfully eaten my meal I can lounge calmly and give thanks for getting to eat the food on my plate.

By Shari Marshall – 2019